I Watched a Homeless Man Eat a Crayon and It Taught Me Everything About B2B SaaS Sales

Logging onto LinkedIn at 23 is pure fever dream territory. It is basically a digital psych ward where corporate uncles and completely unhinged IIT-IIM types fight to see who can bootlick capitalism the hardest. The whole vibe is delusion on steroids. It is the only place left where getting laid off from some Bengaluru startup suddenly becomes this beautiful personal growth journey. Everyone there has swapped their actual soul for a corporate PDF. Nobody just works a job anymore. They are all driving impact and spearheading alignment while crying into their four hundred rupee Blue Tokai. Every founder thinks he's Harvey Specter closing a deal, except the deal is a seed round from his uncle and the "associates" are two interns from Christ University.

The posts are straight up sociopathy. Always the same massive wall of text with double spacing for drama. The formula never changes. Starts with some auto rickshaw guy refusing a ride in Indiranagar and somehow pivots into Q4 sales pipeline and customer retention lessons bs. It somehow always ends with them feeling deeply humbled to take up a Cloud Pandit role at a printer company and being extremely thankful for it.

Fake modesty is the actual competitive sport. The prize is a like from some recruiter who has not opened a book since CAT prep days well basically the Hitchcock and Scully of HR. Win an award they are humbled. Get fired they are humbled. Stuck in Outer Ring Road traffic they drop a whole newsletter about navigating friction in fast paced environments. Skills section is a freaking graveyard of empty words don't even get me started ffs. Growth hacking means fudging numbers on excel. Founders who closed seed funding three minutes ago are already selling leadership masterclasses to freshers and have accepted that they are 2nd incarnation of JRD Tata or Dhirubhai Ambani or any super rich businessman with a successful business wtv .

Darkest part is how completely trapped our generation is in this. We still log on and hide the disgust. Hit celebrate on some tech billionaire preaching seventy hour weeks from his luxury farmhouse. Type inspirational in the comments because the resume bots scare us and HSR or Whitefield rent is not going to pay itself. Even after writing so much guess who's gonna go back to linkedin and spearhead and architect the world class authentication protocol designed to let only designated users into an application(login system) Cool cool cool cool cool .... Yours truly.